Top 10 Magic Items of the Movies

The next installment of the Top 10 is Magic Items.  In the last two lists I looked at Magic Users: that's great for them, but what about the rest of us shmucks who don't have a magic attuned bone in our bodies?

Luckily for us, the movies present us with the magical equivalent of Q's latest gadgets.

So dig into the bag of holding and see what you pull out!  Time for:

First up: define our terms.

A magic item is an artifact or item, some physical object that someone can use to do something magical.
Not science: a garage door opener is an item you hold in your hand that appears to levitate a door, but it isn't magic.  I'm placing value based on amount and versatility of the power and effect the item would give someone, ideally: anyone. Some magic items only work for one specific person, and that's a pretty lousy item, assuming (which is likely) you are not that person.  Remember the Sword in the Stone? Great if you're the intended special dude but it's just a tease for anyone else...

Joe: "What do you have there?"
Bill: "A magic sword."
Joe: "Cool!  What's it do?"
Bill: "Not sure.  I think it's supposed to make me king, or give me power, or something."
Joe: "You haven't tried it?"
Bill: "No, I can't get it out of it's packaging."
Joe: "Oh, one of those plastic clam-shells? I hate those, I can never get it open. You tried biting it?"
Bill: "No, I mean it's stuck in this rock unless you're the right person."
Joe: "Dude... bummer... so it's just like a big rock on a stick"

So, yeah: Sword in the Stone isn't making the list, which I had reminded to me isn't the same as Excalibur: correct, but the sword lobbed by the watery tart has only one user too, and if only one person can use an item that's going to weigh against it in my assessment.

Another consideration with these things: The Fine Print: what are the downsides to using the item?
Also, the items have to be from a movie I have seen, or I can't rate it.  So on we go!

#10: The Glaive

I am pretty sure this was magic.. was it ever explained?  A fantasy medieval planet overlorded by a giant alien in a giant alien spaceship-become-dark castle. But this guy never cut his fingers off catching that thing so I have to think it's magic.  Ninja magic laser beam throwing staroomerang.  I was 14 when I saw Krull and wanted this thing soooo bad.  Good thing I didn't get it or no car tires in the neighborhood would have been safe. It's more flash than function though, I mean really... short of puncturing tires what are you going to do with this if the alien overlord never shows up to dominate your planet?

#9: The Sampo

From the tales of the Kalevala to the screen of MST3K via Soviet film making, brings us The Sampo.
The Day the Earth Froze (see full video at the end) remains one of my favorite MST3K episodes.  A tale of how Mel Brooks and C.Everett Koop conspired to hoard the means of production for their own personal selfish gain and plunge the rest of the world into eternal winter.  Now I see why it was interesting to the Soviet film industry, that's some good propaganda. The Sampo is an item, the delicate nature of which appears to require repeated rythmic hammer blows to create, and then you're left with an item which will make a never ending supply of grain, salt & gold. I am unclear if there is just one 'ON' switch and you're stuck with 30 metric tons of salt in addition to the gold you were after.  Still, could solve the world's hunger problems (who's doesn't love salty bread?) if you can keep it out of the hands of greedy witches. But don't take my word for it, watch the movie below!

#8: Brass Teapot

From the film of the same name, a quirky take on an old standard: the item that will make you rich.
This one is refreshing for a questionably cursed item in that it makes no secrets about it's harmful side effect, it's right there in the operating instructions: to make it work, it needs pain.  Have the teapot & stub your toe? Pop! it makes money.  Break your arm?  Pop-pop! Even more money! In a race between humanity's greed and capacity to inflict harm, this is a match made in heaven.. or someplace else.

But I have to think they just were not thinking creatively enough. Granted they had some creative ideas:

So I get to 'punish' you and we get free magic money? Thank you Teapot.

But why not just take the teapot where there is unchecked suffering already and just let the teapot crank out the money?  Then use the money to help fix those problems. Oh! Haha Teapot, got you! Of course, doesn't mean you have to tell your female companion about that, seeing how she's already in that black outfit and all.

#7: The One Ring

The One Ring: not #1. And for good reason. This might be the highest prized item for Sauron, but the rest of us lose a lot more than we gain.  Extended life is great, I wouldn't mind being a spry one hundred and eleventy year old someday. And the invisibility is a nice touch no doubt about it.  But the whole corrupting you into a wraith if you don't get rid of it, and the high addiction factor brings it down quite a bit.  So FDA warning label reads: may bring on wraithdom.  If it could be mass produced it'd probably be marketed as a dietary aid.  The only reason it isn't lower on the list is you could still do a lot with it, it's got huge historical significance, and the competition isn't very fierce if you're not greedy or have an unquenchable desire for salt.

#6: Magic Mirror

This one is much more valuable within-story than it would be for us.  We do have Google afterall, so a lot of this is covered already.  But this is like NSA level Google. You get to know everything, even what people are thinking.  Get creative, you could get some good uses out of that.  Probably not enough to justify a multi-trillion budget and losing what little trust and confidence might still remain of your people.. or you could just use it to ask if you're still pretty enough.  Your call.

#5: Dagger of Time

Time Travel is always high on people's wish list.  This one is pretty limited, but does seem to help keep you alive, so that's a bonus.  Makes a Prince of Persia a more impressive fighter than a Jedi Knight, so there has to be something to it.  And the blade is so small compared to a light saber. Guess size doesn't matter.  Not if you can control time.

#4: Tablet of Ahkmenrah

Make every night a Night at the Museum: and bring it out into the world.  When I was a kid I was sure my toys came alive at night and played, moved around.  A lot of kids do.  Guess our toys don't like us much since they won't do this when we're awake.  Well screw them, use this tablet to make them and every other inanimate object you want come to life and do what you want!  I am the puppet master! Oh, wrong movie. But what untapped potential. Disaster relief? Make animated statues go in and rescue people. Hostage negotiations? An army of plastic ants ought to do the trick. Plus I want to see the Statue of Liberty wrestle the Eiffel Tower! Pay Per View! And if things ever get really bad, just animate the world's mannequins and unleash your army and take over the world until you set things straight.

#3: Tesla's Machine from Prestige

I know, I know... Tesla: science.  But come on, this is clearly more magic than science.
Spoiler Alert: Ready?  If not, skip to the next or go down and watch the Sampo movie.

OK: it's not a transporter, it's a copy machine.

This is one of David Bowie's cooler ideas.  I mean Tesla's idea. Not the band Tesla, goodgod not the band.
Bowie makes this awesome magic machine and it's just wasted.

Word to the wise Tesla: don't trust Gollum around your magic items!

This thing has such amazing untapped potential.  Think about what you could do if you could copy anything. Not only is it a licence to print money, but that's got limited benefit with inflation, but think of all the good you could do!  78 people on the waiting list for a heart but you only have 1 donated?  Not anymore! Schools need computers or smart phones? Crank em out and no need to force Chinese workers to live in the factory dreaming of a suicide retirement.

Now if it would just play the B-side of Low while turned on this would really be a magical device.

#2: The Horn Resounding

It's not going to make you rich, and probably won't save the world (though it might).  But the Horn Resounding can open up a way to travel to the realm of the Gods.  I assume it could also travel to other destinations? Maybe it depends on what note you blow. Inter-dimensional travel?  Oh I can't resist that.  Every generation has wondered what if anything is beyond death, and with this magic item you get to go and find out, without having to die! I'm not sure what it says that every Viking on the ship was unable to blow the horn, but they all transported to a magic realm when the only woman on board saddled up to blow the big horn... yeah, maybe this is like one of those Roreshak tests.

It's an awesome magic item.  Much better than the other 'magic item' in Erik the Viking...

Erik's 'invisibility cloak' which was actually more of a rag on his head than a cloak, and also more of a does-not-turn-you-invisible-rag, instead encourages you to dance around and make a fool out of yourself. 

#1: The Map

With this map you have everything you need to set out on your career as a Time Bandit. 

Speaking as someone who has been well-bitten by the travel bug, this would be Awesome. 

A map that gives you all the secret backdoors to the shoddily-made universe.  

Travel through time!  Future or Past, change events, explore, learn, or as one bandit put it "get stinking filthy rich". So much to know! I wants it. Is this actually a magic item?  Hmmm... not certain.  Probably?  But the doors are magic and this is the key to understanding the doors, so it's all wrapped up in the same magic item concept.  Oh, and did I mention you not only get to travel through time but you get to travel to other versions of reality.. lands of myths and legends! I was sold already, but no question now. 

Downside: The Devil is after you for the map.  OK, that's bad, but still totally worth it. 

........................

So that's my list, what's yours?

Agree with me?  Disagree?  Have other items in mind? 

For your Friday enjoyment.. get yourself a Sampo!

MST3K Says: 

"If you know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, 

throw it away and try not to think about it.

You'll be glad you did."

Music to fax yourself by:

Top 10 Evil Magic Users of the Movies

Hot on the heels of the Good Magic Users, are a pack of Evil Magic Users, as it should be.

Here I present my pick for the 10 best Evil Magic Users of the Movies.

Like the list for the Good, to be considered, the magic slinger has to have been in a movie, not just TV show, they have to wield actual power of a metaphysical nature: not science, not sawing a woman in two in a box, and I have to have seen the movie: maybe there are others worthy of the list, but if I haven't seen them, I can't judge it.

What makes a 'good' evil magic user? Not only the amount of raw power they control, despite what many of these power-hungry folks might believe.  I'm evaluating the entire character: their power, nature of their power, how it affects them, how they use it, and the nature of their character.  An evil character's role is to be the villain. That's a tough role since writers refuse to let them win in the end, so their success is based on how well they fill their role, how believable they are and how interesting they are both in the challenge they present to the hero and as an individual.

Disclaimer before I begin:
This was tough.  There are a lot more worthy candidates for Evil magic user than Good.

On we go (insert maniacal laughter here)!

#10: Nancy Downs

The Craft was one of the better movies in the Satan/Vampire/Evil Curse walks-the-high school-halls genre. And the witch who stole the show from the hero was Fairuza Balk.  Take some power from a dark god, crank it up on speed and set her loose. Of all the girls who get the power she's the one who really seems to enjoy it and embrace it the most... a little too much. Every villain needs a fatal flaw but hers was too compelling, I found myself rooting for her, maybe because of her flaw.  She's a villain who should have been an anti-hero, and that keeps her from rising too high on the list.  But she had to be here: cool character, just gorgeous (though even more so as a cat-girl in Island of Dr. Moreau) though the aforementioned chaotic overdrive causes her to look disturbingly a bit too much like Danny Elfman at times:

But still. 

#9: Tia Dalma

The Queen of the Voodoo Queens.  If Pirates was at risk of getting predictable, and I'm not sure it was, she'd be an easy cure.  There is just something entrancing about Voodoo and she does Voodoo well. 

You know a character is a good one if you find yourself thinking 'no, go back to that character' when the movie moves on.  She carves out a respectable power base given the limits and prejudices of the century she's in.  Even today... I saw Colbert interview Rick Santorum this week, and Santorum made a comment about lighting a miracle candle and praying and the wish coming true but said 'but it's not like Voodoo' .. oh man, no.. no similarities at all. In fact, if it wasn't for the prevalence of such ideas Tia might have made it to the Good Magic Users list, but as long as Western Society makes such distinctions she's going to have to work from the brush she's painted with.  But she's doing a great job of blurring that line, a mark of an interesting character. 

#8: Morgana

The nemesis of Merlin, Morgana is an impressive Magic User.  Far younger and less experienced with magic than Merlin, she manages to get the best of him and win.  Granted, she doesn't get everything she wants, and she does lose a lot in the process, but she helps bring Camelot to ruins, and what more could a villain ask for?  Freud would spill a lot of ink with her on the couch, but those issues just add to the complexity and interest of her character.  I think the only thing holding her from raising higher is her inability to think beyond the expectations of her time.  Just like Merlin, she's stuck in the idea that she can only be the power behind the throne, and keeps trying to promote her inept son to power.  If she'd only have made a try for it for herself, she might have made it, and certainly would have made it higher on the list.  

#7: White Witch

Talk about being adept at propaganda.  'White Witch' has got to be good.. right?
Unlike Morgana, the White Witch has no qualms about taking power for herself.  She sets about to take and rule Narnia and will lie, manipulate, lead armies and crush all in uncompromising winter to do it.  She is also the first to really make use of style.  OK, I do like the swampy vibe Tia has, but this Magic User remakes Narnia in her image: cool and icy that says "Winter has already come darling".  This just adds to the perception of power: everything is under her control, everything is a reflection of her.  That isn't strictly true, but then, propaganda isn't about truth, it's about impression.  She can also turn anyone to stone, and it's hard to argue with that kind of power.

#6: Grand High Witch

Angelica Huston.  She played someone using magic?  Then she's on the list.  And you know it was going to be the Evil list. With the mask or without, she was the commanding presence. I'm not sure how a powerful she-troll like this could be afraid of mice, but every villain needs a weakness as we've said.  She just oozes creepy.  And the idea of a secret society with this kind of power under our noses is tempting to believe.

#5: Queen Ravenna

If there is a limit to the character of Queen Ravenna, it is that it is very hard to imagine Snow White offering any danger to her, even if she had her sparkly vamp boytoy, which she didn't.  Two things made Snow White and the Huntsman worth watching: the special effects and Charlize Theron's Queen Ravenna.  She doesn't have the degree of control that the White Witch enjoys in Narnia, but she is more interesting because of it.  We get to see her rise to power, what she sacrifices to get there, how it affects her and her process to be just at the point of having it all, before she loses it all.  That's quite a journey.  She's limited by the nature of her story however. The tale of Snow White at it's essence is trapped in the notion that what matters more to women is their physical appearance.  If she could have got past that she'd have succeeded.  A male wouldn't likely let that get in his way.  Attractiveness is nice, but it isn't central.  As Inka says, the saying in Belarus is "Men need to be a bit more attractive than a monkey." Lucky for us men.  Granted, she's a villain, so she needs a weakness, but as weaknesses go, that isn't a very interesting one.

#4: Darth Vader

Only coming in at #4?  I'm sure he'd find my lack of faith in him disturbing.
Vader is awesome though, don't get me wrong... assuming we start with Episode 4, which I am.  This is for Darth Vader, not Anakin. Darth Vader may be second to the Emperor, but he's the top villain in the empire without a doubt.  He is the face and the raspy voice of the ever-present evil. He's got style for days, with all the troops in white and he's in "yeah, that's right, I'm right here" black. Poster child for Lawful Evil, Darth Vader is simply iconic. He has plans for an orderly galaxy and he plans on achieving it if he has to force-choke it out of it. And how many villains get to be the bad guy for the whole series only to deathbed recant and be a good guy at the end?  That's having your cake and eating it too. Brilliant!

#3: Wicked Witch of the West

When the villain not only has it out for you, but for your little dog too, you know you're dealing with a bad customer.  Opting for the long & pointy classic black outfit, she's got style too, and that's before you're introduced to the flying monkeys: anyone who employs flying monkeys is worth noting!  This introduces a villain who has a motivation that you can readily relate to.  In the original Wizard of Oz, Dorothy invades her country and kills her sister before taking her first step! Dorothy is lucky she landed in Oz instead of Texas or it could have been far worse.  The newest film though adds to the character.  I might have thought it would be hard to improve on the character, but they did, by a long margin.  Mila Kunis' Wicked Witch is an improvement on the original.  Yeah, I said it; release your flying monkeys to get me if you must.  In Oz the Great and Powerful the witch has an in-depth and believable back-story, so much so that she vies for the title of Main Character.   In the original, the West Witch is already an evil witch, her focus is turned to Dorothy because of revenge, but it isn't like she'd be any different if Dorothy never arrived, but in the new film she begins as a sweet woman who is mistreated and spurned and so becomes the villain.  The 'hero' creates his nemesis because of his own faults, which is high classic storycraft. This makes the West Witch a sympathetic character, even when she is evil, which propels her high up the list.

#2: Saruman

Saruman of Many Colors.  Being an immortal being, watching Middle Earth decay and degenerate through the ages from brilliance to dingy... the glory of the elves replaced by the quality of the dwarves replaced by the ever-less inspiring weak efforts by men...he saw the writing on the wall, he knew the direction this was headed: cut to the chase and bring on the orcs! And if it's going to happen better he is in control of it than sitting in his tower watching his property values go down. Hard to fault his logic, even if it's not the most noble choice.  Saruman is a very interesting villain.  He is not simply evil.  He is disillusioned.  He's the wounded idealist that has become a cynic.  He may be a second-rate power compared to Sauron, but Sauron is a faceless force, he is the fear of the dark, where Saruman is a villain we can understand, who we can fear more, because we can recognize the threat of becoming like Saruman ourselves.

#1: Magneto

Magneto is the ideal blend of Villain and Anti-Hero.  He's the real deal.  A fully fleshed out back story: who could not sympathize with a child who survived the Holocaust? He finds himself having great power but because of it, facing a new holocaust in a world where mutants will be labeled non-human, second class citizens, hunted, rounded up, experimented on and even exterminated.  Not again. And who could blame him? He is a villain because his methods are labeled villainous. But Magneto provides an excellent challenge to the justification of that label.  Are not oppressed people justified in fighting back or must they abstain and hope to change the minds of their oppressors?  This is the age old  debate you find through the history of such struggles.  Malcom X,  Marek Edelman, Du Boise, Geronimo, Sparticus.  Not everyone has believed that equality will be granted to the oppressed out of the kindness of the changed hearts of the oppressors.  Magneto champions this position in a fantastical fictional setting, but the proposition is very real. The fact that this character is painted as a villain likely says more about our society than the character himself, which is interesting.  Magneto holds up a mirror to our society and forces us to ask some uncomfortable questions.
There is probably no greater victory for a villain than that.

It should also be noted that Ian McKellen got top spot in both lists: Good & Evil, and in my opinion, well deserved.  Very impressive to excel so well on both sides of the coin.

........................

So that is my list of Top 10 Evil Magic Users. 

Do you agree, disagree, have others in mind? I'd love to know.

Before I sign off, I also thought it worth pointing out something significant about the lists.  Did you notice it? 

I find it glaring.  

The Good magic users have but 2 women while the Evil magic users dominated with 7.  

Almost exact opposite statistics:

Good Women Magic Users: 2/10

Evil Women Magic Users: 7/10

Are women just inherently more evil than men?  

Jokes of mothers-in-law aside, it can't be so.  So what if anything does it say about our society?

Because I think it does indeed say something about our society and shared culture. 

There just are not many characters of female good magic users. There are a few more than I thought worthy of making the top 10... but they're either uninteresting or unimportant.  Glenda the good witch? What was her power besides being the patron saint of Lawrence Welk? It would appear that people are reluctant to see women having power, but if they do have power, then chances are the are evil. There seem to have been more female evil power wielders to chose from than men, and most of them were better at it than most of the male choices. And the top spot, a male, is so good at being bad he's nearly gone full circle to being labeled 'good' so take that for more to mentally chew on.  

It would seem that our society is still very scared of women with power and has an underlying assumption that if a woman does have or seeks power, she's most likely a threat.  

I'd guess we have to work on that.  

If you read all this, thanks for slogging through it!

Edit: Looks like next year will have a new contender for the list: 

Top 10 Good Magic Users of the Movies

Returning to the "Top 10" themes I was doing a couple months ago, I was thinking about the slingers of magic. Luckily for those of us who enjoy such things there are a lot of movies that highlight the wizards, witches, sorcerers and other such people who have magic, more or less, under their control.

When trying to list my top magic users I found there was actually too many!  So I've divided the list into the two camps: Good & Evil.  Like the other lists I'll quickly set up my parameters: The user of 'magic' has to have powers that are magical or like magic: something paranormal, not science and not card tricks.  I also have to have seen the movie, so there could be worthy magic users out there I haven't seen, if so I'd be interested to know, but they can't make my list if I haven't seen them.  For ranking, I'm not only considering degree of power, but the whole package: their nature, character, personality, how they use their magic.

Alright, on to the Good users of Magic!

#10: Akiro

Side-kick of Conan.  Pretty cool character actually.  Unfortunately we don't get a lot of insight into him.  But then, it's pretty dark under the shadow of Conan.  He's burdened with that "mystery of the East" trope, but he's got a scoundrel turned martyr aspect that helps him rise above what such characters typically get.
I always thought a  prequel movie about this character could have been fun.

#9: Miracle Max

"To blave." Awesome.  How often do you get a vocabulary lesson in a movie and enjoy it?
This is one of my favorite Billy Crystal characters, and he didn't really have much screen time.  But Miracle Max, the washed up has-been had one more miracle in him, and while he is far from being the main character, his role was vital to the hero's journey, which is one of the most important and revealing qualities of the archetype of the Good Magic User.
By this definition he's a success, even if he uses a bellows instead of a staff.

#8: Avatar

No, not the big blue aliens.  Long before them, Avatar was a ... dwarf? deadhead hobbit? I don't know, but he was a wizard, one of those who bears the title of the movie, Wizards.  Avatar is a wizard that might remind you of your crude uncle.  Or perhaps yourself, if you've grown up to be your family's crude uncle.  He gripes and moans, and would rather be off enjoying snuggletime with his vampy faerie girlfriend, but in true underdog fashion he heads out with a few heroes to save the world from the evil Nazi Wizard.

#7: Tim the Enchanter

A very minor character when you think about it, but the fact that you can think about it, and likely often have, as many have, shows what an impressionable character this is.  Tim portrays the daunting, over-powered, so-out-of-your-league, mysterious magic user, that he has become a cultural phenomenon in his own right.  Yet he's humble, going simply by the name Tim. Tim doesn't really get involved in the story, serving only to remind the heroes just how outclassed they are, and to give fair warning of an even greater danger.  And after seeing this pyromaniac slinging field nukes around with the flick of his fingers you'd think Arthur and his Knights would pay heed to his warning, but do they listen?  Noooo. No wonder Tim doesn't spare much care for these questors.

#6: Carrie

For everyone who ever got picked on or bullied growing up, Carrie should be the patron magic user for their cause.  Bitchy girls giving you problems?  Rain down blood and fire on them.  Fundy mother making your life a not-mythological hell? Shut her up quick with a cutlery cyclone.  Even the Greatest American Hero better watch his back if he sets you up to look stupid.  Imagine how different school years would be if suffering bullies unlocked these kinds of powers.
Carrie sure suffered some idiots, but nothing a night of fire couldn't fix.

#5: Severus Snape

Probably the most interesting of the magic using characters from the Harry Potter movies, Snape kept them guessing about his true motivations, sympathies and plans.  Well, spoiler alert, he's here on the Good list, so hope I didn't give anything away.  Snape also has that awesome voice (see movie at the bottom).  Alan Rickman is just cool.  I'll admit I'm not the biggest 'Harry Potter' fan.  I find the movies uninspiring.  They feel more like extended episodes of a TV series, rather than solid movies in their own right.  It takes a long time for characters to develop and most stay disappointingly two dimensional. For interest and depth of character, Snape is about as good as it gets in these movies.

#4: Willow

Willow. No, not the hot redhead witch. The hobbit wizard.  Oops!  I mean Puck? No, wait.. Peck.  I think they were called Pecks. I think.  Well, no matter, we all know they were hobbits. What better underdog than a hobbit?  I mean, Peck? Usually the wizard is the one who helps the hero in their journey, but in this case, the hero and wizard was rolled up into one overwhelmed wizard's apprentice.

#3: Merlin

At first glance you'd have to be forgiven if you thought Excalibur's Nicol Williamson was an Evil Magic User, given that he's rockin' the Ming metal skullcap. But that's just one visual clue-in that this isn't your standard white wizard.  Merlin may be playing for the Good team, but he's not so good he's wearing the white hat.  This is one complicated, scheming, manipulating Magic User.  He may be 'good', but in that Machiavellian sense of good, where the good end, such as establishing a peaceful realm, justifies the decidedly not-good means of obtaining it, such as orchestrating rape. He is also not immune from his own fleshly temptations.  But then, if I was holding the balance of a peaceful Britain on one hand, and Helen Mirren on the other.. well, prepare for some dark days ahead Brits.

Merlin is an interesting character: some noble aspirations, but wrestling with his own character flaws while at the same time condemning Arthur for his, but he keeps trying for all that.  In exceedingly dark days, this character shines and gives a hint at what could be possible while being a neon sign as to why it just isn't going to happen.

#2: Galadriel

It has been pointed out that Tolkien did not have many female characters.  Alright, that's an understatement.
But one of the ones he did have, Galadriel, was one of the most powerful beings in Middle Earth.  If judging Magic Users by their power, Galadriel would certainly be on the list.  She's the bearer of Nenya, one of the three great rings of power given to the Elves.  She also has her mirror, which can see far into the past, future or distance. Her power isn't flashy, but it is substantial.  She's been able to keep her realm free not only from the overwhelming powers of evil that border Lothlorien, namely Moria and Isenguard, but she's managed to keep time itself out of her realm.  The time of the elves is passing from Middle Earth, the ages march on, but not within Lothlorien where it is essentially the same as it was when the elves first arrived, and only because of her power.

She rules with her husband, but no one is foolish enough to confuse things: everyone knows the real power is her, not her husband.

How tempting would it be, for someone who is immortal, has watched the world around her slowly wither and corrupt, and then be offered the power to destroy the evil that threatens to destroy the sanctuary she has spent all her energy creating and defending?  She's given the chance to do just that, but she has the power to not only look into the hearts of others, but in her own as well, and she resists, knowing her limitations and weaknesses. A sign of great power: knowing where the limits of your abilities are and not having the hubris to try for more.

#1: Gandalf

There was never a doubt was there?

And in case you were wondering, no, Dumbledore didn't make the list.  Why? Because Gandalf is everything Dumbledore hopes and tries to be, but is a pale comparison at best. Harry didn't make the list either.  I'm sure there will be some avid Harry Potter fans that feel slighted, but the HP characters just don't capture my imagination.

Back to Gandalf.

As impressive as Galadriel is, as much as the character of Gandalf owes to Merlin, the ultimate good wizard is Gandalf.  Gandalf serves the position of the 'Magic User who makes the hero's journey possible' but he is more than that: much more.  Gandalf knows when to play a supporting role and when to step up and lead.

That is an important distinction for a character and shows great depth.  Most often in movies it is clear who the hero is and who the support staff are.  But not here.  Like Merlin, Gandalf pulls the strings: runs all over Middle Earth, yanking hobbits from their second-breakfasts, enabling dwarves to regain kingdoms and swaying councils and kings to his way of thinking.  But he also challenges rogue wizards, balrogs, nazgul and reconstituting dark lords as well as leads armies. His resume is pretty impressive.

He also has the interesting aspects of the martyr and resurrected hero archetypes.  Like Beowulf, he faces death, saving the lives of others.  Like Jesus in the 'Harrowing of Hell' story, Gandalf falls, vanquishes evil, and is reborn to come back and finish what he started.  Gandalf's sacrifice is all the more impressive and interesting however since it is not clear at all that Gandalf knew he would come back as Gandalf the White.

Another thing I like about Gandalf is that he values everyone for who they are, not what they are.  He sees the nobility of spirit and potential for strength and helps the person recognize it and use it.  But he remains someone you can relate to, even if he is an immortal being of great power, he's not above threatening to toss a foolish hobbit down a bottomless Moria pit or entertaining the rubes with fireworks. It must have been a very sad day when Gandalf left Middle Earth.

Of all the movie Magic Users, Gandalf is the most interesting and impressive and the one I'd most likely enjoy meeting.

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So that is my Top 10 Good Magic Users.  Agree, disagree, have others in mind? 

I will be covering my Top 10 Evil Magic Users in the near future. 

You can look through past Top 10's by the topic tag. 

And as promised above, an Ode to Alan Rickman: 

Top 10 Worst Robots of the Movies

After posting the Top 10 Robots of the Movies, by popular demand ("demand" meaning suggested, "popular" meaning I liked the suggestion) I present the Top 10 Worst Robots of the Movies.

Just as it was with the Worst Monsters, Worst Robots could be robots that are poorly designed, poorly conceived, or just simply stupid or lame.  They also have to be robots from movies I have seen.

So on with the Robots!

#10: Robbie, No, I mean Uncle Simon

Now, Robbie the Robot is a great robot who nearly made my 10 best Robot list, so what is this about?
Well, this isn't Robbie. In the Twilight Zone episode "Uncle Simon" they take Robbie, remove his cool under the bubble head-innards and replace it with a coffee can with someone's diaphragm stuck to it. But that isn't what earned this robot a spot on this list. Oh no.  This robot is "Uncle Simon".  In the story,  the niece of an aging inventor, herself not getting any younger, decides to off the insufferable old crank.  But wanting to extend his ability to inflict misery long past the grave, the inventor designs a robot and programs it to be him!
Now the niece must spend the rest of her life caring for a jerk robot who crankily insists she make him hot chocolate despite that he can't even drink!

Robots are supposed to make our lives better. That's the deal. That's the promise of futurism: we paid for that with losing all our factory jobs to these iron machines.  But if you can't even kill a spiteful rich relative and inherit their money, and instead must be a servant to an equally spiteful rich robot then what's the point of advanced technology?  Bad robot.

#9: Battle Droids

Someone fire the engineer who designed these and hang the dolt who requisitioned hundreds of thousands of them.  The Trade Syndicate of Fu Man Chu, or whatever they were called, had some really impressive attack robots in their army. Take that roller droid with shields and heavy quad blasters.  Suh-weet. Fast, durable, devastating.  What was wrong with just making tens of thousands of those? But no.. instead they decide to manufacture inept raw recruits. What were they thinking?  I will say though that this will eventually lead to the success of the Rebellion in Luke's day. Why?  Perfectly obvious.  The droid army is pathetic: they die easily and in droves and they can't hit the broadside of a bantha at close range.  So when the Republic needs soldiers, they design the troopers with their enemy in mind: substandard is more than good enough.
Ever wonder why storm troopers can't hit anything with their blasters and their armor offers all the protection of wet toilet paper?  They were designed with Battle Droids as their enemy and only got worse over time.
So good news for the future Rebellion, they have very lame robots to thank for it.

#8: Box

Almighty guardian of the Frozen Food Isle in Logan's Run.  I'm pretty sure this is a large version of one of my Grandmother's fancy salt shakers. First of all, he inhabits a frozen cave: slick uneven surfaces, and has some kind of rollers to move around... probably not the best design.  But worst of all is the chrome Gerber Baby head. That's just unnecessarily creepy.  What locks it though is his frost-addled processors.  Anything living he sees as food and he's ready to freeze it up for the future.. for what?  Who's going to eat it if anything that could is also food?

#7: Johnny Cab

This is progress? Bring back the surly cabby that smells of cigarettes, it's better than this! With a human interface that is just efficient enough to be completely frustrating, it heaps it on with an annoying voice and a face that looks like Don Knotts picturing you in his sister's underwear.  Really, who designed this robot and wasn't fired on the spot by the Johnny Cab Co?  The fact that it also has a tendency to explode in a fireball only adds to the problems of this already horrible robot.

#6: Kronos

From the movie Kronos comes a massive towering robot that comes to Earth to impose Bauhaus Architecture.  No wait, I think that was the sequel.. This building-like robot comes to Earth to 'steal electric and atomic energy'.  So... some aliens are jacking us for our juice?  Do they come from the Planet Detroit?
The premise is ridiculous: if you have the energy to send this thing across light years why do you need to recharge it's batteries to send it home, where it would then likely be out of power again.  The sun has far more atomic energy than pesky humans have made, and the sun doesn't have tanks and planes to attack your building, I mean robot.  Oh it's just too dumb.  Next.

#5: Muffit the Daggit

OK, when I was a kid I really really wanted a daggit.  They're cool.  So has my heart hardened so much that I criticize it now?  No, that isn't it.  Why? Because I'm not Boxy. I'm not living in a metal room in a bigger metal room, fleeing for my life from homicidal robots intent on exterminating my species.  When you've narrowly escaped genocide by cylons, and know robots want to kill you, what's a better gift for such a young child than a robot dog? Maybe playing hide & seek in the airlock.  Anything, but giving the kid a robot dog! Either it is going to traumatize him for life, or if he makes it to adulthood without daily panic attacks he's likely to think robots just might be friendly long enough for a cylon to kill him.
Great present Dad, maybe you should have gone with socks.

#4: Torg

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  And why wouldn't he?  If this robot is representative of the might of the Martian War Machine, even the Easter Bunny has good odds. Torg is the classic garage-made robot suit: cardboard box, paint drum, ventilation tubes and some spare junk.  The problem is, this is a Movie, not your kid's Halloween costume.  Then again.. look at those martians.  Yikes.  Torg's scene is cut short of any good battle action since the presence of Santa renders him into a Toy.  Probably over-effort on Santa's part, the snow would soon have turned that cardboard box to mulch.

#3: Stepford Wives/Goldfoot Bikini Fembots

Two sides of the same coin.
You know the old saying about the two ways a woman wants to be treated when inside and out of the bedroom?  Well that only counts for real women.  I dread when we get this level of technology, because it will happen: it's already happening, and probably in Japan first, knowing Japan.. but soon after: the world.
Why?  Because most men are idiots and think this is a good idea.
The extremes of these female archetypes is nauseating.  I wouldn't want a real woman like either of these but a robotic one is even worse.  The Stepford housewife would be a true nightmare.  I can do my own grocery shopping and cooking thanks anyway. And the other? If it isn't real it has no value.
If men think that fake women are the answers to their problems they'll find they only have more unhappiness because their problems will remain, but they'll think they shouldn't be, since they 'solved' it... didn't the 1950's teach anyone anything?
Vincent Price was still pretty damn cool though.

#2: Twiki

Robot who held the title of 'most annoying robot' for the most years in a row, only recently dethroned, Twiki is one seriously lame robot.  Humans in their vanity tend to prefer robots that reflect their own physical image, so what the hell is with making a robot hobbit in a paige-boy haircut?  His job seems to have been to carry around a super smart computer in a cookie tin, so why make Twiki at all?  Why not just make legs for that smart legless computer?  And that voice! I guess if you do make a robot hobbit with a paige-boy haircut, you may as well sample porky pig for his voice files.

I wonder if it is a crime to kill robots in the 25th century?

#1: Skids & Mudflap

No.  Just No.
Go back in time, hold the writers at gunpoint and rewrite these annoying robots out of what is already a lousy movie.  I don't like transformers.  I don't get it, I think they're pretty lame.  I didn't grow up on them, so maybe that's why.  But despite that I don't care for transformers, and there are many of them, you don't see any of the others on this list.  Yet this duo stormed in and stole top spot away from the robot that has annoyed me the most for most of my life. That's some impressive suckiness.

I'm not even going to touch the criticisms of them being 'racist' or not, because even if they're completely exonerated of that charge, they are still the worst robots on this list.  It's like complaining that Hitler was anti-Semitic.. you know what?  Even if he wasn't, he still killed about 12 million people, so it isn't like he'd be considered a nice guy if we found out he didn't have anything against the Jews personally.
Still a monster of a human being.

We don't need to debate if these robots are racist or not, they're just terrible robots regardless.
The fact they might also be worse is just garbage icing on a crapcake.

They are annoying. They are stupid.  The glorification of ignorance they represent is offensive.
Every time they talk I'd prefer it was replaced with a symphony of nails running down chalkboards and into the backs of cats in heat.

I don't know much about Decepticons, but if they want to kill these two, I'd throw in with them.

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So what are your most despised robots? 

I've now covered 10 good and 10 bad, but if you're still in the mood for robot fun, here you go:

A picture of most of the robots that have appeared in film of one type or another.  

I've spotted a couple absences, but a lot more I don't know.  

While you hunt for robots, enjoy the film!

(sorry it has an ad, couldn't find a copy without an ad)