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For me, I thought it was a good excuse to rant on some bad movies. It's more excuse than I usually need.
Deciding the Worst 10 Movies isn't any easier than choosing your favorite movies:
there are some tough choices! I decided on some ground rules, to define my terms for 'worst movies'.
1. They have to be movies I have seen.
2. They have to be movies that are bad but that I didn't enjoy because they are bad. You know the type: anything Mystery Science Theater 3000 has covered.
If a movie has Bruce Campbell in it, it is going to be bad! But it's also going to be awesome.
By this criteria. many comedies are disqualified and most Horror movies for that matter. They have to be movies that took themselves fairly seriously and people expected them to be decent if not actually good. No one should expect anything but a bad movie from the likes of "Squirm" or "Howard the Duck" so those don't count.
So on to the list:
10. Age of Innocence
I'm not against slow British Victorian period dramas. I've liked several in fact. But this movie was exceedingly painful to endure. If it bit a brontosaurus on the tail it would die of old age before it knew the movie was gnawing on him. Did they hire an editor? At first thought I'd say no. On second thought I think they must have, but they must have hired Martha Stewart because I felt like the movie was predominantly about table settings and doilies. Yawn.
9. The Langoliers
With few (very few) exceptions, Stephen King horror movies are bad movies. This is likely the worst of them. What is worse than a bad horror movie? Combining the experience with the thrill of waiting in an airport terminal. What is worse than that? Your only excitement is that it's all happening in a game of Pac Man.
Apparently vampires can be active in the day because that's when the 'After School Specials' take place.
7. Dungeons & Dragons
I really wanted to like this. I knew it wouldn't be the best movie... but .. wow.
Of course, I doubt no one feels worse about it than Jeremey Irons...
"Just like you thieves: always taking what doesn't belong to you." Really Mr. Irons? That was O.K. for you?
Another statement that is self evident? "Dungeons & Dragons is a bad movie."
6. A Walk in the Clouds.
Starring Keanu Reeves... right there if the movie requires him to say anything more that "Woa" (see: Matrix. see also: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) then it is probably too much dialogue for this man.
Proof of this is at (-spoiler alert-..not that you should mind) the crescendo of the movie, when the vinyards are burning and he calls out to the woman he loves, revealing his feelings for the first time and says:
" But... I... Feel, for .. you."
-William Shatner was quoted as saying he felt the line was delivered a little haltingly.
5. Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen
I know, I know. Shouldn't expect a movie like this to be good. And I didn't. And yet I was still in pain. I was ready for eye candy and a stupid movie and instead felt like I was kicked in the gut and robbed of $10.50. Those 'Urban Rap" robots made Jar Jar Binks cry foul.
4. Highlander II
Having been a fan of Highlander, I eagerly went to this movie in the theater as did many of my friends.
We all hated it. But that isn't surprising, it is pretty universely despised. Not just because it violated it's own "There can be only one" axiom. The plot made no sense, men flew around on wires for the first twenty minutes, and somehow everyone is supposed to believe the prize for being the best immortal and living the longest is a comparably quick death by old age. Really? That's the prize? Oh Yay! Sorry Bob, I'll take whatever is behind door number 3... a lifetime supply of Rice A Roni? Awesome, I'll take it.
3. Wild At Heart
Even now I'm doubting this one not being at the top of the list. This is one really bad movie.
To make it worse a couple of good friends loved it & recommended it, so I had expected to like it. I watched it wanting to like it, trying to like it. I felt like someone had given me the gift of a root canal and I was trying to understand how it was a good thing.
This movie has all the grace of bad goth poetry written by a seventh grader.
David Lynch has woven his metaphorical symbolism of the Wizard of Oz and references to the 'Yellow Brick Road' with all the delicate art of a sledgehammer being swung by a gorilla on crack. Thirty minutes into this movie I knew if I heard "yellow brick road' one more time I'd mail David Lynch a dead munchkin stuffed into those snakeskin boots.
Twenty years since seeing this movie and it still hurts.
Clearly he thought it was clever... he was so very wrong.
2. Kill Bill.
If Bill saw the movie, then by all means do... he'd probably thank you for it.
I know I'll step on some toes here. I know a lot of people love this movie. I like a lot of Tarantino movies.
But this one leaves me uncertain if I ever liked a movie less than this movie.
Odd thing is so many people thought I would like it. People who know me. I'd rather watch any movie on this list twice than watch this one again... well, maybe not Wild At Heart, let's not go crazy. Some said 'but it's like a comic book".. yeah, I get that. I even like comic books. But this was dreadful. 300 was like a comic book and I liked it. This was near 2 hours chock full of 10 hours worth of pain. The dialogue is abysmal, even for calling back to 70's 'sploitation movies. The fight scenes don't even save it, they're rather dull since they're so over the top. The characters are as well developed as those in a TV commercial, and even as camp it fails.
A friend, after seeing Kill Bill 2 tried to get me to go see that one..he said "it's better than the first, I think you'll like it." You'll notice that movie isn't on this list... why? Fool me once...
1. Coming Soon to a Theater near You.
I leave #1 open. Because there will always be bad movies, and I have no doubt the worst is yet to come.
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