Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest: My 10 picks for worst movies.

Click the Worst Movie Icon to go to the source of the event and find others who shame the bad movies...

For me, I thought it was a good excuse to rant on some bad movies.  It's more excuse than I usually need.

Deciding the Worst 10 Movies isn't any easier than choosing your favorite movies: 
there are some tough choices! I decided on some ground rules, to define my terms for 'worst movies'.

1. They have to be movies I have seen. 
2. They have to be movies that are bad but that I didn't enjoy because they are bad. You know the type: anything Mystery Science Theater 3000 has covered.  
If a movie has Bruce Campbell in it, it is going to be bad!  But it's also going to be awesome
By this criteria. many comedies are disqualified and most Horror movies for that matter.  They have to be movies that took themselves fairly seriously and people expected them to be decent if not actually good.  No one should expect anything but a bad movie from the likes of "Squirm" or "Howard the Duck" so those don't count. 

So on to the list:

10.  Age of Innocence
The Age of Innocence
I'm not against slow British Victorian period dramas. I've liked several in fact.  But this movie was exceedingly painful to endure.  If it bit a brontosaurus on the tail it would die of old age before it knew the movie was gnawing on him.  Did they hire an editor? At first thought I'd say no.  On second thought I think they must have, but they must have hired Martha Stewart because I felt like the movie was predominantly about table settings and doilies.  Yawn. 

9. The Langoliers
The Langoliers
With few (very few) exceptions, Stephen King horror movies are bad movies.  This is likely the worst of them.  What is worse than a bad horror movie?  Combining the experience with the thrill of waiting in an airport terminal.  What is worse than that?  Your only excitement is that it's all happening in a game of Pac Man.

8.  Twilight. 
Sparkling Vampires.  
Apparently vampires can be active in the day because that's when the 'After School Specials' take place. 

7. Dungeons & Dragons
Dungeons & Dragons
I really wanted to like this. I knew it wouldn't be the best movie... but .. wow. 
Of course, I doubt no one feels worse about it than Jeremey Irons... 
"Just like you thieves: always taking what doesn't belong to you."  Really Mr. Irons?  That was O.K. for you? 
Another statement that is self evident? "Dungeons & Dragons is a bad movie."

6. A Walk in the Clouds.
A Walk in the Clouds
Starring Keanu Reeves... right there if the movie requires him to say anything more that "Woa" (see: Matrix. see also: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)  then it is probably too much dialogue for this man.  
Proof of this is at (-spoiler alert-..not that you should mind) the crescendo of the movie, when the vinyards are burning and he calls out to the woman he loves, revealing his feelings for the first time and says:
" But... I... Feel, for .. you."  
-William Shatner was quoted as saying he felt the line was delivered a little haltingly. 

5. Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
I know, I know.  Shouldn't expect a movie like this to be good. And I didn't.  And yet I was still in pain.  I was ready for eye candy and a stupid movie and instead felt like I was kicked in the gut and robbed of $10.50. Those 'Urban Rap" robots made Jar Jar Binks cry foul. 

4.  Highlander II
Highlander 2: Renegade Version
Having been a fan of Highlander, I eagerly went to this movie in the theater as did many of my friends.  
We all hated it.  But that isn't surprising, it is pretty universely despised. Not just because it violated it's own "There can be only one" axiom.    The plot made no sense, men flew around on wires for the first twenty minutes, and somehow everyone is supposed to believe the prize for being the best immortal and living the longest is a comparably quick death by old age.  Really?  That's the prize? Oh Yay! Sorry Bob, I'll take whatever is behind door number 3... a lifetime supply of Rice A Roni? Awesome, I'll take it. 

3. Wild At Heart
Wild at Heart
Even now I'm doubting this one not being at the top of the list.  This is one really bad movie.  
To make it worse a couple of good friends loved it & recommended it, so I had expected to like it. I watched it wanting to like it, trying to like it.  I felt like someone had given me the gift of a root canal and I was trying to understand how it was a good thing.  

This movie has all the grace of bad goth poetry written by a seventh grader.  
David Lynch has woven his metaphorical symbolism of the Wizard of Oz and references to the 'Yellow Brick Road' with all the delicate art of a sledgehammer being swung by a gorilla on crack.  Thirty minutes into this movie I knew if I heard "yellow brick road' one more time I'd mail David Lynch a dead munchkin stuffed into those snakeskin boots. 

Twenty years since seeing this movie and it still hurts. 

Clearly he thought it was clever... he was so very wrong. 

2.  Kill Bill. 
Kill Bill: Vol. 1
If Bill saw the movie, then by all means do... he'd probably thank you for it.
I know I'll step on some toes here.  I know a lot of people love this movie.  I like a lot of Tarantino movies. 
But this one leaves me uncertain if I ever liked a movie less than this movie. 

Odd thing is so many people thought I would like it.  People who know me. I'd rather watch any movie on this list twice than watch this one again... well, maybe not Wild At Heart, let's not go crazy.   Some said 'but it's like a comic book".. yeah, I get that. I even like comic books.  But this was dreadful.  300 was like a comic book and I liked it.  This was near 2 hours chock full of 10 hours worth of pain. The dialogue is abysmal, even for calling back to 70's 'sploitation movies. The fight scenes don't even save it, they're rather dull since they're so over the top. The characters are as well developed as those in a TV commercial, and even as camp it fails.  

A friend, after seeing Kill Bill 2 tried to get me to go see that one..he said "it's better than the first, I think you'll like it."  You'll notice that movie isn't on this list... why?  Fool me once... 

1.  Coming Soon to a Theater near You. 
I leave #1 open.  Because there will always be bad movies, and I have no doubt the worst is yet to come. 

Have your own best of the worst list?  Click the Icon at the top & join the fun on your blog!


Birgit said...

I have not seen all of these movies because, like A Walk In The stars Keanu Reeves in a romantic boring film-nuf said:)I did have the misfortune to see Transformers 2 because we were visiting someone and it was mind numbingly bad and Highlander 2-I actually paid to see this because I loved the first movie and wondered how they could do a second...They should have stopped at the first. It was truly a bad film

Elizabeth Mueller said...

I loved A Walk in The Clouds! I found it very romantic. *lesigh* As for the others: hmmm...

Me wonders what you think of Transformers 3?


Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?

YA Paranormal Romance, Darkspell coming fall of 2011!

Laila Knight said...

I'll agree with Kill Bill, but I liked the it each time it's on TV. :)

Ben said...

I had forgot about DUNGEONS & DRAGON. It was indeed shit. While I thought Kill Bill 1 was overrated (the whole series was overrated pastiche, but I thought no.2 was better) I still think it's decent

Wendy Tyler Ryan said...

I loved A Walk In The Clouds for a lot of reasons and I can easily look past some of Keanu's stop-motion dialogue because I loved all of the other actors in this movie and I loved the movie's premise.

Laughing Ferret said...

I'm afraid I have the same opinion about Transformers 3 as I do Kill Bill 2: none. The previous movie was so bad that I didn't want to gamble my time and money on the next movie.

Langoliers I find a case of an interesting idea poorly executed. I'll give it credit for at least trying to answer the kind of questions I would have if in that situation. Seems most Science Fiction movies have people never asking many questions beyond the immediate small story plot.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Highlander II was on my list! "After school specials" - that's funny.
Thanks for participating in the blogfest!

Budd said...

Langoliers was a really good book though.

Stephen T. McCarthy said...

I've only seen one movie on your list: "KILL BILL". Actually, to be more precise, I've only seen about 15 minutes of one movie on your list: "KILL BILL".

Rented it, watched 15 minutes or so, removed it from the DVD player, returned it.

I got as far as the shot of the "Pussy Wagon" driving away - however many minutes that is into the movie. "Awful" is much too kind a word for it.

~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'

RaShelle Workman said...

I enjoyed Kill Bill. I think it's because I had such LOW expectations though.

S. L. Hennessy said...

I so very much agree with Highlander and Transformers. So so bad.

S. L. Hennessy said...

Cool blog by the way. Love finding new blogs via blog hops.

Dunc said...

I can be thankful the only one of those I've seen is Kill Bill. Well, I say seen, I chanced across it on TV one night whilst look for something to watch.

I watched a large plank of wood disguised as Uma Thurman spent ten minutes stumbling through some dialogue written by a nine year with ADHD and a very limited vocabulary (for a nine year old).

To my delight, I then found that just three channels away they were showing an all-night debating session in the Houses of Parliament on some new legislation about how thick Gravy can be before it legally becomes Custard.

So I was mercifully saved from having to actually watch it.

baygirl32 said...

I love lists that I haven't watched!

mshatch said...

I like your rule #2 "If a movie has Bruce Campbell in it, it is going to be bad! But it's also going to be awesome." and "No one should expect anything but a bad movie from the likes of "Squirm" or "Howard the Duck" so those don't count. lol. You're right there.

But I did like Kill Bill.

julie fedderson said...

I did not like Kill Bill either, although I'm a Pulp Fiction fan.

Caledonia Lass said...

Wow, seems like the top three movies to make it on these lists is Highlander 2, Twilight and Dungeons & Dragons. XD Too funny! Nice to meet you by the way.

Jennie Bailey said...

As bad as Twilight was, it got even worse with New Moon!

Laughing Ferret said...

I didn't expect so many others to not like Kill Bill since so many people I know liked that movie. I agree on Pulp Fiction: I liked that movie..not only because of the performance by Christopher Walken, though he was a big part of it.

Thanks SLH! the blog is mostly gaming, but gives me room for some of my blithering and a bit of background fluff writing too.

Cheers Mshatch! Bruce Campbell is the king of camp! it's too late now, but 10 years ago I *really* wanted to have Bruce Campbell star as John Carter in a camp-pulp movie of Edgar Rice Burrough's A Princess of Mars... it would have been brilliant.

Nice to meet you too Caledonia Lass!

Interesting how many sequels made these lists...Highlander II I can understand since the first was good & unique, then the second bit all who watched it. But some, like Twilight, Kill Bill, early movies were so bad I wouldn't risk being bitten twice, so can't say how bad the sequels are.

Pat Hatt said...

Agree kill bill is an overrated piece of crap, Highlander 2 is just pathetically awful as well.

Karlene said...

Langoliers almost made my list. I thought about it but left it off because it Balki Bartokomous has a way of sucking me into it every time it's on TV.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Wild at Heart was terrible! Felt like I needed a shower afterwards.

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